The Coach Cannot Do It for You
People can get a lot out of coaching, but only if they have something to work on. Over the years, clients have brought me things like: getting over the death of a spouse. Wanting to become a certified spiritual director. Moving out of a house they’d lived in for 57 years to move to assisted living right after losing their mate. Finding support through a job transition. Figuring out what they really want to do. Leaving a profession behind for a farm in another state.
Take the move to assisted living. The first thing that surfaced wasn’t logistics — it was fear. As we talked about the move and what was holding things up, there was an admission: fear of living alone, apart from the house the couple had built together over a lifetime. Once we named that, we could actually get somewhere.
That’s how coaching works. The client is the one who does the work — figuring out what to focus on, and deciding whether a session is moving them toward what they actually want. I listen, affirm, and ask. I can’t do the thinking for you. But I can ask the question that helps you find out what’s really in the way.
Before a session, it helps to ask yourself two things:
• At this moment, the biggest challenge I’m dealing with is…
• What I want to focus on in our next session is…
Every session ends with a plan — usually two or three concrete things to do, with a time frame. Before the next one, look back at that plan. Come ready to brag on what you accomplished, or to work through what got in the way. That’s the work. I’m walking alongside you while you do it.
Why Is It So Hard to Ask for Help?
We’re raised in a culture that prizes independence — make your own way, take care of yourself, don’t lean on anyone. So when help would make a real difference, a lot of us don’t ask for it.
Think about a task like packing up to move. Doing it alone feels easier, at first — you don’t have to figure out who to ask, or sit with the discomfort of asking. But it takes far more out of you than it would with help. Somewhere underneath is an old voice: Mom and Dad always wanted you to be grown-up enough to do it on your own.
Actually asking takes courage. And here’s what nobody tells you: letting people help doesn’t just get the job done faster. There’s a camaraderie that shows up when people team up on something — bonding you didn’t expect, tasks handled that you didn’t even know needed doing, a whole afternoon that turns into something closer to a party than a chore.
The people who ask for help freely don’t have anything to prove. They say things like, “I can’t do that by myself,” or “I’m not as strong as I once was,” and they get it done quicker and with more joy than the rest of us managing alone. Shame says something is wrong with you if you can’t do it all in the time you gave yourself. That assumption isn’t true.
If there’s something you’ve been carrying alone, consider this your invitation: Ask. Let it be an adventure in creating a fun moment in the middle of a hard task, instead of one more thing you white-knuckle through by yourself.
Standing Up for Yourself
Self-criticism lives in all of us. Some days we can counter it — remind ourselves that everyone makes mistakes, and let ourselves off the hook. Other days that little voice wins, and we blow one moment up into evidence of our whole lack of worth.
Self-reflection is a skill you can learn: looking at an event again, more gently this time, because everyone makes mistakes. And sometimes standing up for yourself means saying a boundary out loud, plainly:
• “I don’t go out late on a work night.”
• “I don’t date people I work with.”
• “I need time alone to finish this, and I’m taking it this week.”
• “I only work two nights in a row — I need rest after that.”
Standing up for yourself starts with seeing yourself as human, well-meaning, doing your best, and forgivable. Then you decide what would actually make you happier or better rested or more cared for. Then you say the new rule out loud — in whatever words come easily. The words matter less than the fact that you said them.
A lot of people never quite see themselves as good as everyone else, which makes this especially hard, and especially important to practice. But something shifts the day after you’ve held a boundary — when you said the night before you wouldn’t go out because it would wear you down at work, and the next day you’re glad you didn’t. That’s what it feels like to take care of yourself on purpose. If this is something you’re working on, it’s exactly the kind of thing a coach can walk through with you.
You Weren’t Built Like Everyone Else
Why are you the way you are? We’re each a separate soul, built differently on purpose. Some of us track every detail; others hold the long view. Some love a joke, a pun, a room full of laughter; others sit quietly and keep missing the punchline. Some live for the bike ride, the jump, the trick; others would rather sit with a book or a documentary. Our creator loves diversity, and made every one of us on purpose, differently.
A successful life starts with accepting yourself as you are — appreciating what comes naturally, and forgiving yourself for what doesn’t, including the things you simply don’t want to do. Taking care of yourself — your body, your money, your friendships, your family ties — is easier with company. That’s what coaches, spiritual companions, doctors, and financial advisors are for.
Getting help isn’t a sign you’re behind. It’s how you come to terms with your own strengths and weaknesses, and find some peace about the life you’re actually living — not the one you think you’re supposed to have.